Trolling: The Solar System

Paid Protesters Want Benefits, Sick Leave

Protest Industry Considers Benefits for Employees

The burgeoning protest industry is bringing thousands of new jobs to cities across the nation.  This has been great for the economy, but some worry that protest workers are foregoing important benefits that come with mainline employment.

Some protest workers are happy just to have a little extra cash, and don't need paid leave or benefits.  At a recent Saturday morning protest outside Doug Lamborn's Colorado Springs office, a local second grade teacher said, "I thank my lucky stars that I can finally earn an extra $25.00, one weekend a month.  I'm not even registered to vote, but it's a great way to help save up for my trips to Vegas. Before this job came along, my Saturday mornings were a total economic waste."  Asked if she ever called in sick to her protesting job, she said, "I haven't been sick yet, so I haven't needed to.  But I don't expect to be paid if I can't make it to a rally. I don't worry about benefits or time off.  I already have that with my day job."

Among more serious protest workers, however, there is growing concern.  In blog comments and on message boards, some liberal-side protesters claim that they are being taken advantage of by George Soros, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and the Mainstream Media.

One anonymous message board participant told this reporter via direct message, "I take my paid protesting very seriously. I really see a future in this industry. I go the extra mile for this job whenever possible.  But then one time I had the flu and couldn't go to a protest. Soros left me high and dry.  There needs to be sick leave.  Otherwise, it doesn't make sense to really invest in this job."

Another message board user was frustrated by the lack of action among liberal-side workers: "You would think, being professional protesters, we would be able to pull ourselves together and protest this terrible abuse of workers, but without George Soros giving orders, we are totally unable to function as a group."

However, as the numbers of protest workers increases, the idea of unionizing becomes less far-fetched.  Said one district manager, who met with this reporter under cover of night, "I would support a workers' union to demand sick leave and benefits.  I hate what I am forced to do to these dedicated employees.  Not one has gone to the press, and they really make those rallies look great. But when our workers need a sick day, or want to opt in to benefits, we can't help them out.  I'll admit sometimes I'm tempted to hijack the movement and protest for better treatment for our workers."

Providing protest workers with paid leave might be possible, but providing a benefits package "would be difficult," this district manager stated.

Protest workers in Denver at the Tax March were happy to shed light on the inner workings of the business.  The secrecy of the payment scheme shows why receiving benefits could be problematic.

Multiple protesters confirmed that they are sent a secret text from an anonymous number with the time and place they are to show up each week in order to get paid.  To earn additional pay, they can bring signs that meet strict size and quality standards.  Said one, "You can't just show up with a cardboard box and write your message with your kid's crayons.  The signs need to look legit, like you care about what it says."

Workers in Denver can make up to $45 for 90 minutes of this type of basic protesting, if they "act real enthusiastic and bring a great sign."  That figure does not include travel time.

Protest workers said that they receive their payment one of several ways.  Some liberal-side organizers hand off twenties to workers at the end of rallies through handshakes, "like drug dealers on TV."  Others receive funds in the form of Starbucks gift card codes via text.  Some liberal-side female protesters are even paid in Ivanka Trump merchandise, which shows how mercenary they are.  This payment method is especially difficult for conservatives to spot.  It just looks like friends are having a clothing swap after a rally.

Adding health, dental, or other benefits to protester compensation would leave a financial trail that would be easy to uncover, and could potentially damage the industry and hurt jobs.  "The president is definitely onto us and how we are all paid to be here," said one protester.  "If he investigates, it will all come out and we will have to find other jobs. Receiving benefits would make it even easier for him to prove."

But other protest workers, when asked about how they could receive benefits without leaving a financial trail, said that they had "no idea how that would even work," but they were in favor of the idea anyway.

Some Protesters Would "Switch Sides" for Benefits

Protest workers said they would be happy to 'switch sides' if the pay was competitive enough.  "We're here because we get paid," one protester stated bluntly.  "All of us have received offers to work for conservatives, but they barely pay anything. And since they can't get illegals to do the work for them--you know, it would jam their message--their only option is to out-bid the liberals, but they're too stinking cheap.  They have to settle for really lame protesters, as you can basically see from any interview at a pro-Trump protest.  They're lucky to get ten idiots out there, with that kind of pay.  Anyone who is serious about their career works liberal rallies."

Asked about sick leave and benefits, this protester also commented, "I would be personally willing to 'switch sides' if [conservatives] offered benefits and, like, just basic FMLA.  Those are things I don't get at either of my jobs because I'm part-time.  I'll work for whoever pays, and they just don't pay."

A Deep State employee with the Park Service spoke with this reporter on condition of anonymity.  That employee confirmed the discrepancy between conservative and liberal wages.  "I've seen secret documents confirming that liberal protesters are paid on average 50% more than conservative protesters pretty much everywhere.  The one exception is those Trump rallies.  People at those rallies are paid more than double what any other protesters are paid, so it's pretty competitive to get picked.  But they are required to act like insane, sycophant groupies.  You have to pay more to get people to really give up their souls like that."  But still, these workers are not offered health benefits or sick leave.

The Deep State employee commented that, "Those Trump rally people are so far gone, I'm not sure that anything other than immediately receiving wads of cash would make a difference.  But yeah, for regular demonstrators, I think benefits would make a huge difference as they decide where they want to work."

There is some concern among liberal elites that President Trump will go forward with an investigation into payment of protesters.  Such an investigation would reveal that not only liberal-side protesters are there for the money, but that Trump rally attendees are paid exorbitant rates to stroke his ego.  Such a discovery by the President could propel the United States into nuclear war with one of its many new enemies before he could be soothed by his aides.

Workers at a liberal march look serious, hold approved signs.